Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé