Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.