Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter