How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
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by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.