[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
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Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*aggressively waits in line*
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!