I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?