When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
You Might Also Like
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!