some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Inside you there are two wolves
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”