cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
knights of the ikea table
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.