WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
You Might Also Like
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
moms in horror movies
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.