Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
This bar smells like my childhood.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
one last job
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.