[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
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Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
How high do the levels go?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Spring of Deception
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.