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“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Breaking news:
just make the entire table out of coaster
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!