we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
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ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Ok, but like, how married are you?
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Cardio Made Easy
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.