Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
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I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context