“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
You Might Also Like
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra