Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
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I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.