the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
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Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Me in tagged photos
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]