inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
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My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
When news reporters do sports stories
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”