Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
accurate
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.