“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
You Might Also Like
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.