England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits