Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
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Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Breaking news:
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.