SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
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me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213