So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
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“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.