would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
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“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not