What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
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I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
me logging onto twitter
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.