Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
This probably isn’t good
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.