had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
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I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
my retirement plan is braless
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold