Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.