Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
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me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
This fish is cracking me up