No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Florida man
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
United Steaks of America
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.