Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
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*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.