AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
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What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Schrödinger’s cookie
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.