*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
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Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.