How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
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This bar smells like my childhood.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
#Caturday
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.