To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
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This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house