Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.