[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.