I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
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Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
There is no try. There is only give up.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
i love modern commerce
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!