Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.