Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
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Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
OH. COME. ON.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.