My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
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the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me driving through Toronto
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead