A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.