If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
You Might Also Like
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Mouse
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce