According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
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[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
this came to me in a vision
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
i prefer mine room temperature.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
saving face 👀
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.