Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
When you kidnap a writer.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..