Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.