Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
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If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn