I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.